he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
