the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
