currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
