And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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