In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
he fucked my hip out of place.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
