i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Someone shit on the floor
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
