So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
