dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
