I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
