Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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