her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
