If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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