I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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