Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
