yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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