my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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