she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
