Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Do vagina's smell?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
