dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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