Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
It was like getting head from an anaconda
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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