you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
