the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
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