Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
