haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just found puke in my bra..
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
