you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
