This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
