omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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