my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
