we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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