Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
