i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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