Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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