It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
