I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
