It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
