There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
