If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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