why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I think I won the penis lottery.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
