i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
