He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
So squirting runs in the family.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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