Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
