best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize