My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
