Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
