in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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