I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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