I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
