i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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