I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
