oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
