She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
