bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
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