Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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