overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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