Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
